So I drank liquid Bleach

Why hello there, it has been a while since we’ve done one of these stories.

You see, I thought I wouldn’t have to write a story about me being up to my usual foolishness again because, maturity. But I was wrong, so wrong. It is impossible to outgrow this particular brand of life-threatening stupidity.

So there I was last night, cuddled under my blanket and scrolling through Instagram before going to sleep. And then my mother comes back home and she says she has gist for my elder sister.

Now, now, this gist was not necessarily my business, but it was juicy and an opportunity to argue with my mother. So, since testing my mother’s more traditional values is one of my favourite pastimes I carried myself to her room to go and argue like

Let me go and show off how intelligent and politically correct I am

For context, my mom just came back from a trip so the floor of her room was littered with juice, soda and juice bottles.

So the argument started and as usual I was saying 5000 words per second and making my Twitter comrades proud, hitting with those points left and right

No no no, according to the constitution of woke Twitter, section 5 subsection A, that is incorrect

So after whining my mouth so much, my throat was dry and snuggled up with the soda bottles on the floor was a half full bottle of water. I picked it up and unscrewed the cap.

I usually do a nose test before I put anything in my mouth, but I have a cold so my smelling abilities are a little impaired right now. And besides, I was trying to listen to gist and drink water at the same time so the smell wasn’t really something I thought to check.

I poured the ‘water’ inside my mouth and my teeth and tongue just went shhhrrrrrr like plantain inside hot oil. But I wasn’t panicking because I thought it was the normal chlorine they use to disinfect water. I was just like “why is there so much chlorine inside this water” and spit it back out, but the thing came out like

Next thing my mom starts screaming and panicking like “mo gbe mo gbe o mo gbe o, o ti mu bleach.” So I’m like

Did I just hear, bleach?

So I started panicking, rinsing my mouth over and over with water and then palm oil and then drinking like 3 mouthfuls of palm oil because

Me, die now?

After I got my mouth to stop tasting like bleach and I diluted the contents of my stomach with water and palm oil it was time to sleep. But y’all I could not fall asleep because my mind kept going

What if as you’re sleeping you just off

It did not now help that my body decided to raise my temperature for no reason and my stomach started acting up. I was trying not to lament o but inside me I was like

Shey I did not go and commit suicide by mistake bayi?

Me I knew that if I died there there, na hellfire straight so I first confessed my sins, before I will go and end up in hell because I’ve been stealing labisi’s perfume or because I’ve been stealing fish small small to cook indomie. But as I was asking for forgiveness I was also trying to whine God to save me because this was not the lifespan we discussed o

Baba God how e dey be na?

Anyhow sha I eventually slept and I woke up this morning, so I didn’t die. Just be say my throat is raw from getting chemically roasted. On the upside, my teeth bleached small so smile popping I guess.

In conclusion, don’t drink every liquid that looks like water, also don’t steal fish, you don’t know when the lord will call.

14 thoughts on “So I drank liquid Bleach

  1. Ronke!!!!!! Cheee! Aside the fact I’m sorry you had to go through all that, and thank God you whole and healthy, because Abeg o πŸ₯ΊπŸ€²πŸΎ This is so beautiful a piece!!! The best I’ve read yet, I loved every bit of it, coupled with the stickers and memes, so nice mehn! Keep it up and steady dear! Don’t sleep on us biko! It’s well with you STAR πŸ™πŸΎβœ¨

    Like

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