Do you have moments where it feels like you can see yourself from outside of yourself and you realise a fundamental truth about you? Like your mind goes silent and there’s just one thought burning on the back of your eyelids and you’re watching yourself absorb the thought.
I had one of those recently. I wasn’t doing anything special, I was in bed watching a kdrama on my laptop and I just felt it, that shift from just existing inside myself to really understanding my existence. It lasted for like 5 seconds and I only had one thought.
“It would take a miracle to get you to settle down in a relationship Aderonke.”
The thought settled on me like a blanket and I realised, I’ve known this fact for a while now, I just shut it out. You see, I think I have a problem. But, since I am myself, I also don’t think it’s a real problem. This is confusing, let me explain.
Commitment sounds exactly like imprisonment to me. In my head, they’re synonyms.
You know how we all imagine meeting a super handsome man, falling in love and then driving into the sunset in a 2020 Benz? I have imagined that scenario in at least 50 different ways in my life. But, I get stuck at the ‘tied to him forever part.’ Don’t get me wrong, I want to get married, having a husband and children that look like me would be nice. I just cannot commit.
You see, I disappear from time to time, no calls, no texts, nothing. Just pffft. Most people would say the way I handle my friendships is irresponsible but, I like my freedom and sometimes I need the space to stay sane. But a relationship, that would mean stability. No more strobe light behaviour and no more Aderonke conventions. *an Aderonke convention is a monthly (sometimes weekly) event that involves; not touching my phone, kdrama marathons, food, novels and any other thing I want.
I know I should be mature and part of maturity is settling down, and I know I can’t spend the rest of my life alone and my family and my friends will get their own lives and partners and I’ll probably regret staying single when I’m 45 and I have 15 dogs but, I still cannot get myself to agree to a relationship.
I have bullied, bribed and threatened myself but it won’t work, I just cannot be trapped. That’s the word, relationships feel like a trap.
Dearest, you know I’m a worrier and one of the things I worry about is my need to isolate. But I worry even more about forcing myself into a relationship and causing a lot of unnecessary unhappiness for myself and the person I date.
I’ll just say it, I have commitment issues. Whenever people tell me they have romantic feelings for me, I feel chains wrapping around me and I find it hard to breathe until I reject them. I don’t know if you understand how another person’s feelings can cause you physical pain but that’s how I feel. Romantic feelings make me physically uncomfortable.
Don’t think I don’t get attracted to people at all, I do. In fact, I have what my sister calls a ‘fine boy obsession.’ I just can’t be attracted to someone I know in real life for more than 5 hours at a time, it’s like the possibility of having a relationship with them turns off the attraction.
And you know, I have to think about other people’s feelings, I cannot keep losing interest in people and disappearing after forming a connection with them, behaviour like that would make me an asshole. I just keep hoping that the next person would be the one that makes me want to stay, and he never is.
I probably sound self absorbed right now, and maybe I am. But if I— the one person that knows what goes in my head —don’t consider my comfort, who will? I’ll admit one more thing, I am a selfish being.
Isn’t it weird? I write poetry about a feeling I refuse to explore. Maybe I’m like this because I’m a coward, maybe there’s no explanation for it and this is just how my brain is wired. I just know that I am deeply afraid of commitment and that it’s supposed to be a problem. And I know I should try harder, I should go out of my way to connect and stay connected but I…. don’t want to.
I’m hoping that one day I’ll meet someone that makes me suddenly want to tie myself to him, but life is not a fairytale and prince charming is not a psychiatrist.
So I’ll be here, picking out collars for my 15 dogs.