Brethren, I almost died. And I’m here to testify.
As usual this near death experience happened because of my own foolishness.
Let me tell you the story.
Yesterday, I was innocently passing by on instagram when I saw this girl very fine girl (Jesse lingard’s ex-girlfriend), and she had these abs. So I thought “this girl doesn’t have five heads, I’ll just jog small and do crunches and voila! Six pack”.
So I dusted my canvas and my joggers, and set an alarm on my phone for 6am so I’d go jogging. I wrote down a diet plan and all like, I’m bringing a war to body fat bitch! .
I could already see my six pack. Summer body!, slayonce!!.
I woke up at exactly 6am and put on my canvas and joggers, with this really cute tank top because my ozzband might be out there Y’know.
Seven minutes later (in that Spongebob voice)
I hit the road and put on some maroon 5 and started jogging, ooo fit fam, Yaaass sister get it!!!. Everyone was staring at me but I could feel my summer body coming already so I didn’t care.
I didn’t jog for up to 3 minutes before my body started doing me one kain, but I thought it meant that the exercise was working, so I didn’t stop ‘no pain no gain fam’. For flat belly!!
After like 6 minutes I finally stopped because faint was beginning to worry me and I was seeing double. Brethren, this was where the drama started.
I started seeing things in 15D, it was like I was drunk. There were new colours everywhere and the light was too bright. My lungs were not accepting oxygen again, my heart was beating gbim gbim gbim as if it wanted to jump out of my chest and run away.
I was still very far from home, and I didn’t carry bike money. So I had to trek home, but the road was shaking and tempting me to lie on it.
At this point, I realized that I cat walked into a well laid trap, by my village people. won get mi sha
I started staggering, it felt like my entire body system was shutting down. My ears were ringing and my stomach was in turmoil.
I swear I saw a white light, and I’m pretty sure someone was singing ave maria in my head.
Brethren I really tried not to embarrass myself, but the situation was completely out of my control. I sat down and started vomiting.
Yes you heard me, I sat down in the dirt by the roadside with my legs dangling in the gutter and I threw up, repeatedly. With snot dripping from my nose and tears running down my cheeks.
I kept gasping for air and throwing up and crying, with all the sweat from the exercise, it was really messy.
Thank God there are still nice people in the world, this really nice guy passing by picked me up and paid for a bike to drop me at home.
My reputation in my neighbourhood that I’ve been carefully building for months 😢. Gone.
I used to say I don’t exercise because I’m lazy, but now I can confidently say that I am allergic to exercise. And I don’t care if I get fat, as far as I still have my life I’m okay, who six pack don epp. Abeg o
It’s not my destiny to be physically fit, as far as my brain is still fit I’ll be contented.
If I get fat I’ll just do liposuction or something when I’m rich, kukuma fitness is vanity.
If you will excuse me, I’m going back to bed. I’ve not yet recovered from my near death experience.