I mentioned that I was going through a breakup, I’ve been making jokes about it. And trying to convince myself that I was fine.
But I wasn’t fine.
Because I refused to deal with it, I locked my feelings up and told myself “you are strong, you’re not going to cry over a boy”.
But Sometimes we have to let ourselves break down to build ourselves back up, I realized that after I read rupi kaur’s ‘milk and honey’.
I wasn’t going to talk about this here, because this is something really personal, but I want this blog to be as honest as possible. So let’s talk.
I never let myself cry when I’m hurt, it’s a personal rule. I cry when I’m angry but never when I’m emotionally wounded.
So after the breakup, I wanted to roll all over my house and wail at the top of my voice. But I couldn’t, because I’m used to internalizing pain. I’d just store it and over time it’d go away.
If you’re like me, that’s not healthy. I kept denying it and it kept building up until One day it became too much.
I was going through my gallery when I found a picture I took when we started dating, and tears started dropping, next thing the drops turned into a waterfall. Brethren I cried, my neighbours probably thought I was in labour or something because I was wailing at the top of my voice and scattering things.
I can’t tell how long I cried for, but I’m happy I did. Because I’d never felt so relieved in my life. I accepted that I was deeply hurt and that I wanted to let go of all the pain
Pain demands to be felt
-John Green. The fault in our stars
After I cried, I wrote a bunch of stuff. I guess you can call them poems. I’ll post one here and post the rest when the wound doesn’t feel so raw.
Vulnerability is not a good colour on you
You will not let anyone
Walk into you
And through you
You’re not the Louvre
With opening and closing hours
You’re not a vacation
You are a home
I’m not completely over it, I know I’ll be fine.
PS: you should read Rupi Kaur’s work, she’s one of my role models and an absolute goddess.